Beth SwigerA family, like all communities, is made up of so many different personalities. The symphony of our best attributes and worst faults working together in close contact on a daily basis is like nothing else on earth. Our family is six glorious people learning how to get along and make this world a better place, and sometimes the unity of our love and goodness brings unstoppable beauty, and sometimes we get glimpses of glaring issues that are like a neon sign pointing to something that can be so much better than it is right now.
The other day I was sitting in my room having a quiet moment when I hear the kids loudly demanding in the other room “Do this right now!” and “Mom said you had to do this right now!”. Those were bright neon signs pointing out the problem cropping up: CONTROL. Both of the kids were trying to control each other in different ways and neither thing was acceptable. Neither of those things were Love, which is the bottom line focus in our family.
Forcing people to do what you want is a nasty little habit, and it comes from the foundational lie that you can control other people. That’s a huge misstep from the truth: we are made to love, and part of that love is to have self-control.
This was a hard truth for me when I first started learning it. In different parts of my life I was both The Bully “Do this right now!” and The Manipulator “Mom said you have to do this right now!”. I am the oldest child in my family and naturally responsible, but I didn’t always have great leadership skills, and I definitely didn’t always have Love and relationship as my highest values. In the last few years as I started making Love my priority, God gently brought this to my attention. I was surprised at first- this is how far gone I was- I didn’t even realize that controlling other people wasn’t okay! Through good teaching and information about healthy relationships and boundaries, I started to learn that God’s best way is for us to Love other people and have Self-Control.
I had always equated self-control with not eating too much chocolate cake, but suddenly I was seeing that it’s so much more than that. Self-Control has become part of me managing my emotions and desires. I desire that my husband mow the lawn, but because of my love for him I’m not going to nag or demand that he do it RIGHT NOW. I get to choose self-control when people don’t do what I want, when I want it, how I want it. I can ask my husband to mow the lawn and tell him that it would mean a lot to me if he finished it before our friends came over this weekend. Then I get to drop it. It then is his chance to manage himself: manage his schedule to get it done, and to manage his love toward me in making me feel heard, loved, and protected when I communicate that something is important to me.
My kids are still learning this.
As they were picking up the house the other day, their attempt to control each other came through their different personalities. One kid was strong and demanding, trying to force the other person to do something through sheer will. “Do this right now!” It did not work out very well for them. The other kids pushed back, chafing under the dictatorial style. They sat down and did nothing or they did it while grumbling. Nobody felt cared for or appreciated. Not long after, a different child used their best attempt to control the group, but since they felt powerless to get anyone to listen to them they used the control weapon in their toolbelt: manipulation. “Mom said you have to clean up right now!” They tried to wield Mommy’s power to force people to listen to them. It did not work out very well for them either. It was wimpy, whining, powerless and based in fear: clean up or else. I came out of my room calmly, gathered the children, reminded them that they’re all powerful in self-control and that it helps the family when they choose to exercise their self-control as they work together to clean up the house. The atmosphere calmed down and the kids got to work.
The goal in community is Love.
Real love includes honor and self control. Let’s show the people around us that we hear them and that we value them. As we choose self-control, the people around us will realize that they are also powerful to choose self-control. The benefit is enormous. It’s so pleasant to live in a family full of love and honor that’s not being nasty, controlling, or manipulative. It’s pleasant to have a marriage that’s full of love and honor and validation.
Be willing to be the first one to change in your family. Be willing to love other people whether or not they “deserve it”. Be willing to hear other people and give value to what they’re saying even though it’s not what you’d say or how you’d say it. Care deeply. Love extravagantly. See how the world changes around you.
